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Monday, 14 October 2019

PARENTING WITH LOVE

Parenting with love worked well with me. I am not a parenting expert nor I can say I am one excellent father, to say the least, but I learned that to be an effective parent, you should have these three main ingredients - love being the main and significant factor, perseverance, and forgiveness. Let me break it down.

Love - let us define love with a  universal definition coming from the bible.
1 Corinthians 13:3-5 New International Version (NIV) says and I quote;
3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[a] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

All the virtues, gifts, skills knowledge that God has given us is nothing if we have don't have love. Whatever passion, commitment in life will be nothing if we don't have love. The term "love" in the bible means "charity" translate from Greek word to the English language.

A charity can mean a lot of things benevolence, good-will; In theology, it includes supreme love to God and universal good-will to mankind; In a more particular sense, it denotes the love and kindness which springs from the natural relations, as the "charities" of father, son, brother.


You can be of anything, you can have anything power, wealth and intelligence but if you don't have love, it's nothing. Love is powerful in the sense that it holds everything there is in what we do and in what we are. You can easily compare the big difference between a person that has love than those that don't have.

I would take a lot of space if I will expound the biblical meaning of love, the universal love, the love that God meant for us to be shared and profess, the love that we should possess as we rear our child.

If you will notice, the biblical definition of love is more of an adjective than a noun, being an adjective it is an action word. Therefore love here is more of the things that we do for someone else, for our child rather than of what we feel for them.



And how can someone not love a child or worst hate them?

I can think of 3 reasons, and in my opinion, these are the following;

1. Unwanted child - put it bluntly, unwanted pregnancy. When a couple is in the middle of working on something like a career, investing, putting up some property and having a child is not their priority then suddenly, boom! a child was born and has become a hindrance to everything.

He got the ire of the parents, became an unwanted human being which parents cannot dispose of so what happens next since you brought some kind of a burden, then you will suffer too.

2. Children born with defects or abnormalities - parents are shocked and crushed when they find that their child has some abnormalities. They are in between hating themselves or stupidly blaming the child for being like that and whichever side it is, sometimes the child gets the brunt of anger and frustration.

But I am happy to tell you that I personally know some mothers who rear their special kid with so much love that is blameless, unconditional and healthy.  I wish I could name them here to put credence in this article but I don't have their permission.

3. Suspicious paternity - this especially is the problem of male parents. When the male partner suspects their spouse of baseless and unfounded infidelity, the child gets the punishment for being suspected as not his biological child. And this is hard not only for the child but for the father and mother as well.

In some translation "love is not envy" is "love is not jealous" although there is a distinct difference between the two I will not elaborate it here. My point is that jealousy is a negative feeling. This is the reason that universal love is an adjective.

Feelings like jealousy is a negative emotion when sustained this could even lead to verbal or physical abuse and in some cases, murder, sometimes in only as a spur of the moment. The whole point here is that universal love is an adjective word. It is not anchored on feelings.

So first rule, love your child.

Perseverance is second.

If you will notice the first definition of love in the bible is "love is patient".

When we persevere it automatically means we have to be patient. We need to be diligent and endure the hardship of parenting.

Parenting with love is a lifetime roller coaster-like career, filled with high and lowest emotion, loaded with success and frustration. Sometimes it will drive you nuts, a lot of times will give you stress.

 And you must not consider it as a rewarding career because there is no reward to be expected. More bluntly you should never expect a reward -that a bit later.

Imagine your newborn child as a white paper, pristine clean white paper with nothing, not even a dot written.


As you stare at your newborn child, your mind rushes to a lot of things and ideas you want to write on the white sheet of paper. Things that you want your child to be as she or he grows up.

You write, he is going to be a doctor like me, a lawyer like her mom, a valedictorian is school, a great athlete, you are now starting to paint a picture on a white paper - this is what she is going to be.

As you start making those things (you that wrote)being fulfilled and hopefully come into realities,  your child as he grows and learn new things, discover new ideas and influence, experienced things that interest her, she starts erasing those that what you have written. Hurting! I know, I felt it myself.

As our kids grow, they are being exposed to both positive and negative ideas and we cannot avoid that, its part of growing up, that is being human, we have exposed the same way, and we prevailed.

What if your child is a stubborn one, and chose the path of destruction, what do we do?

We persevere.

We must be patient, we have to exert the best effort to guide them in what they wanted to be as they grow and in what they are going thru.

We cannot choose for them, we can only guide them and support them, lead them to be better or the best in what they wanted in life. We can only provide the best options, opinions, and guidance, but it is always them that will decide for there future.

If our child gets into something bad which sometimes can happen because of outside influence, we persevere to bring them back in the right path to better options, we love them the more and we persevere more until we succeeded in putting them back on the right path.

First, we love them.
Second, we persevere.

Forgiveness is my third ingredient.

The last definition of love is "it keeps no record of wrongs."

If you are just a new parent, let me warn you, brace yourself for pain, disappointment, and frustration.

As you rear your child and when the time comes that he sees the world by his own eyes and sets his own definition of things around him, some, or worst most of it will never suite your own definition. And you start to question yourself, what did I miss? what have I done wrong? and pain will sets in because your lovely child is beginning to see things differently than yours.


It will start with small things like preference in food, his music genre, the television shows that he likes bothers you, he spends time on "useless" things on youtube. Buries himself on the internet the whole day so fort and so on, you are turned to someone insignificant, are you? or that is how you think of yourself because you now are frustrated?

And soon she will talk back to you and will become so opinionated and critical of things that you do or share.
Now the so-called generation gap, and how do you close the gap especially when it causes you some pain? first love them, second persevere and third forgive them.

Always remember that our kids are different human beings, although they got your genes, they are still very much different from us, they will grow in different era, they will discover things by themselves, encounter problems themselves, meet other influences, will build their own future and someday they will just be like us, parents.

The things that you wrote on that white sheet of paper, most of them will be erased by our kids themselves, but one thing that we should always keep in mind is that we should care for and teach them how to become good persons, great parents themselves, that is the best legacy that we can leave our kids.

The future that they will build may be a lot different from what you planned for them but if you showed them love and you persevere in keeping them to be a better individual, that should be a big help in making them good parents themselves in the future.

I wrote earlier that we should never expect rewards of some sort, especially coming from our kids as payback to what we have done for them. We should not.

Remember it is not their choice to be born here, they don't have any idea that after that explosive pleasure you and your partner were having, comes the consequence of a beautiful baby born into life, not their choice but yours.

Imagine if our kids would have a chance to chose their parents before even they were born? Any idea of how they will chose.



Your kids will be parents also someday and will experience themselves the challenges, the struggles, the pain, and the joy you experienced. That will be the payback for what you have done. How they will become parents themselves? that will be your reward. Your trophy.

This article about parenting with love was written not because I am an expert, nor a perfect father.  These are base on my own experience of struggling to be the best father for my kids which most of the time I should say I fail.  I never infact read some parenting books although I have read some short articles online and pick up some ideas.


I am a parent for 20 years now, I have encountered so many struggles, frustration, heartache, the joy, and happiness likewise, but I cannot claim I am better than anyone else. My quest for being the best is ongoing until the day I die and sad to say I may no longer know what has become of me as a parent.
With their Mom working as OFW, I see through my three kids in this life with only known of three significant ingredients I am familiar with;

Parenting with love, perseverance, and forgiveness, and the rest like technique or tactics will come second.

Happy and blessed parenting. Never forget to seek God's help. After all, He is the greatest parent of all time.









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